Can you make ice cubes
From vinegar
I ask
Please don’t
She replies
Once
My brother and I
Tried to fry a pizza
In a pan of olive oil
He had infused with garlic
(Turns out that’s a great way
To get botulism)
And the poor Tony’s pastry crust
Turned black as soot
Long before the cheese melted
We threw it off the deck
Into the snow
I think the birds ate it
In the Spring
But that was oil
And this is acid
Good for cleaning out
The battery compartment
Of a laser tag gun
Where some triple-As exploded
(Maybe that’s too strong a word)
Swelled and leaked their pasty innards
On tiny steel springs
Whose coils I gently trace
With a moistened cotton swab
Like a tiny ear canal
Another time
I tried to make a tough steak tender
By soaking it in vinegar
And a motley blend of spices
That would’ve made the Colonel blanch
It was tender, all right
(You could drink it through a straw
Like bubble tea from Hell)
I burned a hole
Right through my jeans
In high school
With some hydrochloric acid
They started as dark denim
But after that, they were…
(Sometimes the Dad jokes write themselves)
The only real difference
Between chemistry and cooking
Is which side of the esophagus
You’re on
